Things in the night

Why do things always feel worse in the middle of the night? Is it because we feel so alone? Isolated? Even with someone snoring next to you. Maybe that's even worse. Because in turmoil, you want to know that someone feels your angst too. And yet, they sleep right through it. Or maybe it's the darkness. Being in the dark has a way of making even the most ridiculous thoughts feel ominous. And true. Last night was one of those nights for me. After what felt like a particularly chaotic day, I couldn't wait to get into bed and drift away. And then, I didn't. I think partly it was hormonal: First, my nesting instincts went into overdrive. I was fighting the urge to get up and start organizing, cleaning, and moving heavy furniture. And then the anxiety kicked in. What if Paley caught herself in the drawstring of her roman curtains and it is wrapped around her neck? What if she had managed to open them and a stranger saw her and has taken her? What if she got lambie's yellow ribbon wrapped around her finger and it is turning purple? What if she got a battery out of a toy and she is choking? (these are real, true fears that raced through my mind last night. I would not make this crap up.) There were also smells. Nothing smelled right. The air. Our sheets. Chris' shirt. Things that normally soothe me back from the brink were just off. I wanted to strip the bed, start some laundry, ask Chris to change his pajamas, and maybe even take another bath. The windows were open in our room and it was just too cold. Not right for June. And yet I longed for the fan to be blowing on me. And so I tossed and turned. And I became annoyed. And more frustrated. And I wondered if this is just part of being a mom. Or pregnant. Or crazy. And I worried that I might never feel peaceful and full again. Nothing felt right, even though everything was as it always is. Our doors were locked, we were all safe (yes, I snuck downstairs and checked on P), and I finally got comfortable enough to doze right about the time the birds started singing. In the end, I'm pretty sure it was them that assured me that it was ok to go back to sleep. I was no longer alone. They were awake and would usher in the day and I was free to rest my post as nuerotic guard of the night. The end.